and probably the last that I’ll be away for.
I just received an email from NUS confirming the receipt of my Uni. transcripts. Just another step forward, in this future I want. Now we’re waiting on GRE results, and John to submit his referee report as well. Degree Scroll goes online, as does personal statement, related application forms and perhaps a proposal. I will talk to Peter to organise a solid one, to help ensure the application success.
This decision, to do my PhD in Singapore, is not unwarranted, or poorly thought through.
Yes, I’d have an easier time applying for a PhD here. And a PhD here most logically would mean me in seagrass research again. Don’t get me wrong, I have developed an interest in it. But I never planned to work so extensively with plants. Its not what I wanted, and still just isn’t.
I took this honors project, despite my anti-plant philosophy, because it was logical at the time. Firstly, I got to dive. Secondly, I figured that in an honours project, grades matter,which depended on solid results. And plants are more reliable, any day of the week.
But I admittedly tapered off- Seagrass just doesn’t keep me motivated. And if I wasn’t motivated after just a year of it, how would I last 3, 4 years?
This PhD project really interests me, in the sense that it is the type of study I have always wanted to do. I feel its the way of the future, some really frontier ecology. I’ve always wanted to do ecology. this project is just that. Yes, NUS isn’t big on their Biological Sciences. The department is smaller than we have at UWA. But thats a good thing. Theres room to grow. Theres a closer group, more support from the supervisors and fellow students. Funding is not short. And NUS is a top school afterall, which means it’s not going to be too challenging getting recognised as a respected Department once we put some solid science out there.
This is what I want for my career. A PhD is just a ticket afterall. I will still be able to chase a job that i really enjoy, especially so, since I’m fortunate enough to have this project be so suited to me.
I will do everything I can to do that. And I wish I had more support or me to do this.
Now, life isn’t just all about a career. Because you need that one person, to share it all; life, with. I even feel that it’s more important. Life is about happiness. Without that, is a good job or career really worth it at all? And I’ve made it clear, what I want, and why, and how. We planned all this, life together. We promised, and I’ll keep my promises, because I really want to, and I really still want everything. Because thts what we are. Everything.
And since that life, by some blind luck or destiny, lined up with the career aspect, then I’ll count my lucky stars, and shoot for it.
Take a step into the faint, glowing light. Faint words spoken whisper overhead, photos with captured moments evoking familiarity. A sweet dream so authentic that moments of reality compare.
That moment when your volume is all the way up and then out of nowhere, "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON!" -
haha. truth.
(Source: saskiahamiltons, via wowfunniestposts)
Was talking to a guy I just met the other day, over a beer after climbing. He said some things that were so blunt and so simple; and although maybe not absolute truth, summarises it pretty well.
The conversation topic descended upon relationships and lifestyle choices, and basically, his reasons for being, for all of society’s purposes and intentions, a ‘Player’. Girls call them ‘assholes’; same difference. You know what I mean.
“Girls are the reason why I’m like this”, he said. And I sure as hell understood.
Lets get some context. This is just your average guy, about my age, likes to travel, works as a commercial diver. “I used to be the biggest sweetheart, ey” he says sheepishly, “but girls are just F*ing cheaters”.
This is his point of view, as I understand it.
“you go away for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, and they’ll get itchy. They’ll just go out clubbing or something, and cheat”.This guy isn’t some pessimist; hes just logical, if just slightly jaded.
“I’m all about second chances”. He’s got good morals; on par with me at least, and not to toot my own horn but thats pretty damn moral enough if you ask me. “maybe they mess up once; you can forgive them. Twice, could have been a mistake, maybe they were drunk. Maybe, if they confessed everything and begged” he says bluntly. “But three times or more, thats fucked ey. They know they can get away with it, so they’re just doing it KNOWING they’re gonna get away with it. Its bullshit.”
This guy just simply had enough of girls cheating, seeing the same thing over and over again. Thats all there is to it. “It’s just easier when you don’t care. That’s why I’m like this. Of course it gets lonely, but I’m just a lot happier not needing to worry. And I can just go out and do whatever I want”.
I understand this guy. At one point, I went through this train of thought, too. Sure it was easy, playing ‘The Game’. And he’s right about the sense of freedom, he’s right about the happiness. Or rather, just the lack of worry, or pain. Which ‘by default’ is some form of happiness.
But he’s also right about the loneliness.
I’m not saying its the right thing to do. Quite the opposite. But it’s worth shedding light on this side of the picture. You hear girls complain all the time about “assholes” and “where are all the good guys”. Well, they probably once were. Till one of you ladies came along and screwed things over, made some half assed excuse to your girlfriends and make yourself feel better, and buggered off.
After talking about all this, I may be called stupid by many. But I like to trust. I believe its the simplest, most absolute form of love you can express to another human being. Theres no use giving a half assed attempt with love; do it right or don’t bother. That’s what it’s all about.
Which is why I don’t like it when someone can’t trust me (i’ll be upset with myself), or if I feel like I can’t trust someone. (and yes, its not my fault if i don’t feel like I can’t trust someone - a person’s actions, be it subtle or obvious, influences that feeling in the other person.) Which is why I advocate communication; and lots of it. For some stupid reason, social pressures make open communication a taboo of sorts; forcing instead guesses and assumptions with regards to interpersonal relationships. And any error or mismatch in this assumption by either party will cause conflict. The system itself is designed for mistrust. It’s stupid. I want communication. Screw social pressures.
Anyway.
I CHOOSE to trust. It may be difficult, it may not even be logical at times. And it sure as hell is not easy. But to me, without trust, there is nothing. Excusing the cheese, I force to keep the door my heart open, even if it means jamming my foot in the way. Yes, it does almost mean I’m setting myself up for pain. But it’s all worth it, when someone comes along, and knows, and realises, and cherishes trust like I do. You can call it blind hope, faith, stupidity, whatever. But in the end, I think its worth it.
#best man-conversation ever.
thank you, dear.
i just wanted to take a moment to say:
I love you.
Your own damn advice; worrying never helped anything.
Stupid, stupid man.
